Personal Goals For The End Of The Summer

I’ve briefly discussed this on my post about The Problem With Job Interviews so as you might already know I’m unemployed. Today I’ve been sending some resumes with the hopes to change that and this lead me to start reflecting on my summer this year.

I haven’t been doing many productive things to be completely honest. Me and my family were moving out for a bit but that doesn’t really excuse my laziness this year. I have not gone out with any friends all summer and I barely leave the house. A lot does have to do with some more personal events that have happened recently, but I’m sick of it by now. I’m just home all day, cooking and cleaning the house and taking care of the animals while everyone else is out either working or actually having fun.

I have now decided that I want to change the way my life has been going for some time now. That is what I want to tell you about in this post. Summer is almost done now – we have pretty much a month left – so here’s three things I want to get done or start the process of getting it done by the end of the summer.

Get A Job

I don’t know how believable this might sound to the general public but I really want to get a job. Yes, having my own money is definitely one of the reasons. In fact, it’s quite an important reason if I want to go to college anytime soon. But it isn’t the only reason. I’m really tired of not doing anything so getting out of the house, even if it’s for work, sounds like the greatest time for me right now. I’m sure I’ll change my mind by the time I actually start working with a set schedule but it’s still highly important for me to get a job before I turn 20 in September.

Getting a job will help me save money for college and my driver’s licence, buy things for myself without depending on my parents money and with the other two goals that I have.

Start My Weight Lost Journey

To be quite honest, my weight lost journey has started and stopped a couple of times by now. This time around though, I really am going to try to commit to it. I don’t really want to lose a lot of weight – maybe 15 kilos which is around 33 pounds I believe – and I also do not expect to lose all of it by September. I want to at least start a healthier diet and begin working out. I’ll begin by going on a little run in the morning and go from there. Getting a job it’s also somewhat important for this, because it would help me join a gym and start a diet that my family probably won’t follow with me.

My weight is something I’ve always struggled with. I win it really easily but it is quite hard for me to lose it. This created a lack of self-confidence for me for a long time, which has obviously affected some aspects of my life, like my difficulty in relationships (romantic or not). I want to become more confident in myself because that ultimately will make me happier.

When I do begin this journey, I’ll also start a series on this blog about it.

Take Care Of My Mental Health

This is a trickier topic and that could go on for a while. I’ll give you the shortened version though. There are people in my family with mental illnesses and besides my anxiety disorder, which I’ve discusses on the blog before, I have come to realize that I most likely suffer from something else. I do not want to clarify what because a big part of taking care of it is realizing what it is exactly that I have. That’s what I want to comprehend by the end of the summer. I do have my own idea of what it might be, considering family history, but I don’t want to say it is something now and then be wrong.

I’m definitely worried about this, as you might suspect. It is scary to know something is wrong with you. The goal is the get help and come to terms with it. I know it’s hard, some people I know were never able to do it, but I don’t want to follow the same path.

From all of these topics, this one is the one that I’m sure won’t be resolved by September. It won’t even be solved by the end of this decade. I do realize this is going to be something I’ll always struggle with, but I’m hoping and slowly but surely it will get better to live with.

My First Kiss Went A Little Like This

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To this day I have never met someone who was able to tell me their first kiss was actually good or romantic or even just remotely okay. If you were lucky enough to have a positive experience I admire you.

The story behind my first kiss is not only awkward but also actually sad. It really is something I wish I wouldn’t have done, but I was an idiot at the time.

Let’s start with a bit of a back story so when I tell you how it happened it makes at least some sense. I was in 7th grade at the time, which means I was 13 years old. At that point in my life I was still being bullied in school – something I want to make a post about someday when I feel more comfortable – but I had a little group of friends. This might seem irrelevant but the reason I am telling you this is because thanks to that bullying I was really shy and introverted in school. I don’t even know how I made those few friends that I did have. At that time in my life I was the type of kid that didn’t want to raise my hand during class even if I knew an answer or was not understanding something. I barely talked. All this facts are relevant to this story because by now you should be thinking: how the hell did this girl have her first kiss?

photo-1504196877113-b6ec66380c41It was not during a spin the bottle game or a dare. It was with my first “boyfriend”. In fact it was on the day he became my “boyfriend”. Now you should also know that – to me – any relationship you have before you are 15 or 16 usually doesn’t even count. They are silly. This one was no different and it’s definitely worth its own blog post in the future, because I have so many dumb stories from that time.

HOW HE BECAME MY BOYFRIEND

For starters this guy had previously dated a friend of mine. Exactly, at thirteen I broke the girl code but this gets better. At first he didn’t even ask me to be his girlfriend in person. He went to that one friend he had dated before and asked her to ask me to date him. RIDICULOUS. Even more ridiculous? She did. She came up to me and popped the question. I found it stupid to be passing the message through her that I wouldn’t accept unless he asked me in person. The ridiculousness does not stop there though. Remember when I said I barely spoke? Yeah me and my anxiety ran to class after that to run away from him because I was too nervous. The next recess I tried to hide the best that I could, until one of my friends told me to stop and get this over with – she was right.

So that last recess was over and we had to go to class but he found me and my friend when we were going to class. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. We stared at each other like a bunch of idiots. I hate this story.

THE KISS

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My friend – the one who told me that I should stop hiding – was still with us during the anticlimactic question. She was probably annoyed with both of us, but mostly me. I just mumbled “okay” and was ready to go up the stars and go to class, since we were already late by now. That’s when my friend – bless her heart – said “That’s it? All of this mess and you’re just going to do this? Not even a kiss? You barely even looked at each other!”

Oh how she was right. This lead me to stop walking and look at him. There was no profound looking in each others eyes or holding hands. No sir. Our lips met for what I think was 1 millisecond and then we both went to class. We didn’t say anything. Just kissed and walked away.

That was the beginning of my first “relationship”. Needless to say…it didn’t last.

Don’t Expect Celebrities To Raise Your Kids

We are currently living in the era of social media. You can follow most of your favorite celebs on Instagram or Twitter and see what they are up to. Not only that, but a lot of people can get “famous” with social media, simply by posting pictures and doing adds for numerous companies when they’ve already gained a big enough following. All of the sudden they have reality shows, makeup brands or are walking in the new Dolce and Gabbana fashion show. It also helps if you have someone on your family that is already in the industry.

Lost are the days where, if you wanted to get famous, you had to have a more “traditional” talent. This isn’t totally negative though, at least in my opinion. I look at it as social media helping people get recognition to, later on, be able to build a career. Some people might be more deserving than others but that is a conversation for another day.

If you are somewhat active on social media, you’ll notice a pattern. Maybe you are even one of the people who cause it. When a celebrity posts something people do not agree with she get’s bombarded with hate and comments saying things like: “you are a role model, do better”. To be clear, I am not referring to anything political, that is a completely different discussion and you obviously have the right to disagree with certain people, specially if their opinion can affect you or a marginalized group of people in any way. This has more to do with the expectation that celebrities have to be role models for the younger generation.

As a 19-year-old myself, I can say that I might be a big fan of some artists but – trust me – I do not take most life advice from them, nor do I see them as a role model. Professionally yes sure there are people who have careers similar to what I want to achieve in the future, but I do not expect them to show me how to live my life. I also don’t want them to change their personality because they are worried about having people look up to them. They have a job – actors, singers, models, reality tv stars…. – their job is not to teach your kids how to behave. That’s your job as parents.

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Let’s take a look at what probably is the best example for what I am getting at: The Kardashian Family. If you pay enough attention you will already know that they are heavily attacked about a lot of things they do, specially Kim and Kylie I would say. I’m not saying some things they do are not wrong, but what I am saying is: Why should the Kardashian’s be responsible for any mistake your kid makes? I’m sure that if your teenage daughter sees the new lingerie photo-shoot Kylie Jenner makes she won’t automatically think “hey, let me do the same”. If she does than it is your job, as her family, to talk to her. You cannot expect a Kardashian, who made careers out of this by the way, to stop posting pictures like that or change the way they handle their social media. It is your job to teach your child right from wrong, not a Kardashian or Jenner who don’t even know you personally.

Kim-Kardashian-nudeIf you follow Kim Kardashian, you won’t miss the multiple semi nude pictures she posts. That’s what she has been doing for a long time now and it probably won’t change anytime soon. That’s who she is. That is what she likes to do. You are in your right to not like it and not keep up with her but you should not make her responsible if a teen does the same, that is her own fault. There are a million other things wrong with the Kardashian family that could actually be fair criticism and important to talk about, but them posing naked is not one of those things and it also shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone.

 

There are other examples. There’s always people surprised by an ex Disney Channel star – or Nickelodeon or any other network that makes their stars act like saints – when they start Miley-Cyrus-MTV-VMAs-2013-Picturesto change and do more adult and mature work. We all remember the multiple scandals and outrages during Miley Cyrus’s Bangerz era, specially after we all saw that infamous VMA performance. Again, I want to make it clear that I might not be a fan of some of the people I’m talking about and I’m not a fan of some of the things they do, but that is not the point of this post. Everyone was shocked that “Hannah Montana” was twerking in front of Robin Thicke. Sure, it was a change from what we were used to from Cyrus and it might have been part of a bigger plan to make people forget about her Disney Channel days. That does not change the fact that if, during that era, she was on her Instagram posting 48 pictures a day and showing her tongue and that was who she wanted to be at the time – if people did not like they could stop supporting her. If your kid did support her that doesn’t mean she made them want to behave the same way, they just wanted to and if it get to a place where it was inappropriate it remained your obligation to teach them what is the right thing to do.

It’s also important to realize that all of these things don’t make someone a bad person or a bad role model. Posting nude photos doesn’t make you a bad person, changing your image doesn’t make you a bad person, singing about sex doesn’t make you a bad person, smoking weed doesn’t make you a bad person. There are much more important things going on in the world than Kylie Jenner having or not having fake lips.

At the end of the day people are free to post what they want on their Instagram page and let that be – to some degree – a representation of who they are and what they are interested in doing. Their followers should already be expecting that type of content and wanting someone to change that, to be a “role model” for the younger generation, is too much to ask to a celebrity whose job is to do what they are paid to do – raising your children is not one of those things.

The Girl In Silence

Grayscale Photography of Girl Near WallThe girl sits in her bed and thinks of a way to fix it. She wonders if there is a way to make things better. Not perfect, never perfect.

She knows memories will always be present in her mind. Memories of too much noise, too much going on around her. She wonders if there’s something she could have done at the time, if she could have prevented situations that will now remain in her mind.

Every time there’s too much quiet around her, when there’s no people telling her about her days or a song that will fill out the emptiness in her minds, that’s when her brain is louder. Her mouth does not move, not for a second no matter what. But inside it’s anything but silent. Loud screams, dark colors fill her mind, illustrating her thoughts in a way so confusing no one but her could make sense of it.

She keeps trying to think of a way to fix things, to be able to share the noise in her brain so she can turn it down, not all the way because she knows that’s impossible. She doesn’t want that either, she doesn’t want to forget because forgetting means forgiving for her. All the girl wants is a little bit of of peace of mind.

The girl still does not stand up, because as much as she wants to turn it down she is also afraid. Because there’s only one thing scarier than that well known and familiar noise that fills her mind. The unknown silent.

 

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Introduction

This does have a “About Me” section, but I thought….why not do a longer introduction to you about myself since people might be wasting their time reading my words? So hello.

My name is Bruna. I’m actually 19 years old, not 20 like my blog name might make you believe. But I’ll be 20 this year. Anyway, as you might be able to tell I am great at doing introductions that make sense.

I’m Portuguese and live in Lisbon. I would love to move out someday, to NYC if possible.

My plan is to go to college when I can (because it ain’t cheap) and study journalism. I’m currently trying to get a job so I’ll be able to join some money. In a perfect world I would also like to keep writing and maybe one day even make some movies….who knows. Maybe I’ll spend most of my life working at Burger King….

If you decide to follow my journey here I hope you enjoy what I’ll post. This blog won’t have a theme, I’ll be writing about a little bit of everything. From my personal experiences to my thoughts in some subjects in our Pop Culture.

This was my mess of an introduction.