Life Update & Future Plans

Happy Sunday! I’m so excited to finally bring you a new post this week. Life has been kind of crazy lately, with a lot of stuff going on around me, so it has been hard for me to find time with my computer. However, things seem to be getting calmer and settled now so here I am!

If you follow me on twitter you might already know this but…I finally have a job! I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for this. Is it my dream job? No. I’m going to be working at a call center. Is it something I can see myself do for a long time? Not really. It is a start though and that’s all I really need at this point.

Back in July, I wrote a post about my goals for the end of the summer and not so long ago I admitted I was not able to do anything on that list in time and how disappointed/frustrated I was with myself. Now, I’m finally able to check “Getting A Job” off of that list. I know we are now in November and, trust me, I’m still mad this took me so long but I’ve been trying to look at the positive side of situations lately. That all glass half full and not half empty thing.

Having this job will give me the opportunity of saving money to go to college (hopefully by next year) and being able to buy things for myself. Not only this, but I think having my day filled with something will be good for me. Getting out of the house for a bit and having my mind busy with something is what I’ve been needing for a while.

What’s Next?

Now I want to complete the rest of my “summer” goals. I want to start my weight loss journey and work on my mental health. I know these two things are on my mind a lot and I need to change that. I’ve always had a hard time with handling these issues and I really want to change that. It won’t be easy but I need to at least try!

I also want to work on actually having a proper schedule. It’s no secret that I’m not really good with posting on time – for a lot of reasons – and with now having a job plus everything I want to do at the same time it will be tricky.

I’ve been thinking of maybe posting once a week, either Saturday or Sunday since I won’t be at work. I can work on my posts throughout the week and by the time the weekend comes around I’ll already have something in the works.

Besides this, I just want to relax! I’ve been feeling so stressed with many things for so long and I just want to find some way to escape from time to time. I don’t know what I’ll do yet but hopefully something will come to me soon enough.

I can’t tell that by December I won’t have a post about how I’m consistently disappointing myself because I won’t be able to live up to what I want to do, because maybe it will happen. What I can tell you is that if I do write that post I’ll upload it, get up and try again.

Getting Frustrated With Myself

Hey guys! So I really do suck, right? For any of you that actually follow my blog and specially to the ones that follow by twitter and saw my money tweets promising new content I apologize. I haven’t been on my blog for a while AGAIN and I’m actually pissed of at myself because I should really do better than this.

This time around I don’t really think it’s worth it for me to try to justify my absence since that’s what I usually do and then go back into hiding. I have been having a hard time lately – which I’ve discussed before – with feeling really depressed and there are some days where I just can’t even get out of bed and barely speak. However, I don’t want to use that as an excuse because I promised not only myself but you (my followers) that I would do better and be consistent and I’m failing…miserably.

It makes me incredibly angry because I love blogging and this isn’t a situation where I’m just a lazy asshole that doesn’t want to actually do this. I have so many ideas, goal and even half done drafts of blog posts. Unfortunately, I haven’t been on the greatest state of mind and it sucks. I feel like I’m letting you down and also disappointing myself! I want to be a good blogger/writer and I also want to do many other things that I haven’t even started and it’s my own fault! That’s the worst part to be completely honest, that I’m aware that I have no one else to blame but myself.

A while ago I wrote a post talking about my Personal Goals For The End Of The Summer where I discussed my desire to start a weight loss journey, get a job and better my mental health. It’s October now – summer is behind us – and I hate to tell you that I have not accomplished or even half accomplished anything on that post. I’m getting in my own way and I don’t know what to do about it. People in my “real life” haven’t been very helpful before and I don’t want to get disappointed by asking for help again.

So here I am at 18:30 pm writing this post to get all of this out of my chest. I’m not going  to make a huge post telling you everything that has happened to leave me in this state of mind because I don’t want to come of as a whiny girl but also it’s not even worth it. I know this post is not making a lot of sense but I’m just writing as things come to me and sometimes that’s just what you need.

As the title of this post says, I’m frustrated. Incredibly frustrated in fact. I’ve wasted my all gap year from school doing pretty much nothing but stay at home crying about everything that is wrong with my mind and now here I am. I’m going into my second – unplanned and unwanted – gap year and feeling lonely as hell. I got no one else but myself to blame for that though.

I’m now, as I’m writing this, also sending a few resumes to a couple of places. That’s good. I do believe that, maybe, getting a job will help be get off of my own head for a while and be distracted/busy most of the day. That’s what I need but unfortunately did not work on it sooner.

To finish this of I just want to say thank you to any of you for sticking around while I’m this big mess and hopefully next week I’ll have a better post to give you!

Thank you for reading x

What I’ve Learned From Blogging This Summer

Hey guys! Wow it feels like such a long time since my last post. I do want to start by saying how sorry I am that I kind of disappeared. Not only did I not post – after telling you I’d post three times a week – but I was also not active on any of my social media accounts.

I do not want to go into a deep explanation of what happened because it is somewhat complicated. However, the shortened version is that I was having a tough time in my personal life,my depression started to get the best of me and I honestly did not feel like doing ANYTHING. This isn’t an exaggeration or anything, I legit did not feel like getting out of bed during the all day and I did not do anything productive for the last month or so, which is deeply sad to me because now summer is over and I have not completed any of my summer goals that I talked about on a previous post.

Things are not resolved or anything but I am now trying to get better and get myself together.

Anyways, at first I thought of making a post kind of venting about everything – which I did start writing but never finished – however I decided that I wanted to stop thinking about all the things that happened and so I decided to write this post about all the things I’ve learned on my first summer as a blogger.

I have talked about my two previous blogs and how much they failed because I was not dedicated enough at the time, so with this blog it almost feels like a first time which was very interesting to me.

I’m sure there by the end of the year I’ll look at this post and think about a trillion other things I’ve learned since, but for now here’s everything I have learned from my experience as a blogger this summer:

Blog Followers Don’t Mean Much

I have almost 70 blog followers now, but one thing that I have learned is that those are not 70 guaranteed readers when I post something new. Some people follow your blog because you followed first and they are just returning the favor or because they want you to follow them back, but they are never really active on your page. Having a certain number of followers on your blog will not mean you will have more likes/comments on your posts than someone with less followers.

Promoting Is Important…But It’s Not Everything

The most important way to get people to visit your blog is to promote your work. Most of us do so by using Twitter, Instagram or Pinterest. That is incredibly important if you want other people to discover your posts. However, it is not everything. You can spend an all week promoting your writing, but if your posts are not interesting or good in any way then reader will click off after reading two sentences. Focus on your content first and how you will get people to read it second!

Do Not Overwork Yourself

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I said a while back that I was going to do three posts a week on The 20 Year Old Mess. I wrote a all post about it. However, I was only able to do so for a single week! I thought that I was going to be able to do since I am unemployed and “have the time” but I just ended up stressing myself about it. The biggest thing that I have learned is that I need to be more realistic when it comes to the direction of this blog and what I want to do.

You Don’t Need To Have A Determined Day To Post

Having a set day to have a post up on your blog is a way to keep everything organized but, for some of us, it’s also a way to unnecessarily stress us out. I do think, if you want to have a somewhat active blog, you should definitely post once a week or so, but it does not have to be on a single day. If you are working on a post and think it isn’t perfect or it needs something else, then it’s fine to just work on it more the next day and just post when you are happy with what you wrote. Otherwise you will just be posting because you have to and not because you want to.

It’s Okay To Take A Break

Sometimes things become too much and you need a break? That’s okay. For a lot of people blogging is a job but that does not mean you have to be miserable while doing it. If you need a break every now and then, that only means you’ll come back with a fresh mind and more ideas.

Don’t Do Something Just Because Others Are Doing It

Blogging can be hard. When I started this blog in June I read so many different posts about what to do and what not to do. Some of them were helpful but other’s not so much. What worked out for this and other person might not work out for you! Don’t get me wrong, it is important to get advice sometimes, specially when you are first starting out, but don’t let what other bloggers do completely determine the direction of your own blog.

I know this was a really short post, but now that I’m back I just want to slowly get my groove back. Next week I’ll have a post up that I have been working on for a while now.

Have a great rest of a weekend xx

My Two Failed Blogs

Hello guys! Cannot believe it’s already Tuesday and it’s time for another blog post. Before I go into today’s topic, I do have a question for you: Do you like this new blogging schedule? I told you on my post Blog Updates & Goals that from now on I would be posting three posts each week, each one relating to a different category. However, I want to know if you think that is a good plan or if it’s too much? Let me know in the comments below!

So today I thought I told you about my two failed blogs and what exactly I did that made them a failure. I wish both of them were still up, but unfortunately I’ve already deleted one of them. The other is in Portuguese but I’ll link it later on in the post and translate a bit of what I wrote in there.

When Did I Create Them

My first blog was on Tumblr, which I know is not the most popular platform for an actual blog. I created it sometime in 2013 – when I was 14/15 years old – and I wrote in English. This is the blog I have already deleted. The account on itself is still there but when I decided to not write in there anymore I deleted all of the posts so it’s empty. Since I never deactivated the account completely I can tell you the name. For some reason, at 15, I thought The Girl From The Background was a good name. It’s not.

The second blog was created on a more popular blogging platform, Blogger. This blog – titled Words From A Broken Home – was created in June of 2015, which means I was still 16 since I would only be 17 in September. As you might be able to tell by the name, I created this blog when I was in a though moment in my life, specially involving my family. None of that is, in any way, 100% solved at this point but in 2015 I was not able to handle things like I do right now, so it was a darker moment for me.

What Did I Post About

As I said earlier in this post, I already deleted everything involving my short-lived blog on Tumblr, so I cannot show you anything from there.

Thankfully, the second blog is still up. In this blog I only ever posted three times and they were all very short posts. As you might be able to see from the dates, I only used it for 3 days! The first ever post is called “Crazy Day” in which I talk very briefly about what happened that day. It’s about the time a girl I had just met that day went into an alcoholic coma. It happened when I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and that girl came with one of them. We were drinking a bit – which obviously we were not old enough to do and it was super dumb – and me and a few other people were aware that she was going too far but she didn’t really care. Anyways, that was a really scary experience and one that, at that time, made me actually reflect on a lot of things happening around me, including one of my friends at the time that we were all really worried about.

Here’s a quote (translated) from the post:

Already thought many times in calling her to the side and talk to her but I don’t think I would be a great help, mainly because I’m not in the best state of mind either.

I then wrote about my parents going their separate but I don’t think it’s worth it for me to translate my thoughts on the mater since they have since gotten back together and I do want to write about it now.

The last post, ironically, is about how I really liked posting about my thoughts on things and how I was enjoying having the blog.

Here’s what I wrote:

In a weird way I’m enjoying writing here. I’m never going to tell anyone I know that I have this blog because my only goal with it is to organize my thoughts and have a way to open up to others without it being in “real life”.

That actually has not changed. I haven’t told anyone in “real life” about the existence of The 20 Year Old Mess.

Why They Failed

The failure of both blogs is honestly the same: I was not ready.

This might sound weird but I truly believe you need to be ready, in many ways, when creating and committing to posting on I blog.

First of all, you have to put in work on blogging. You have to promote it so people even remotely know you exist. I did none of that, I legit created this blogs and that was it. I wrote every now and then and expected people to magically find the blogs. Of course, that’s not how it works.

This lead me to, specially with the first blog, get really frustrated and start to think it was not worth it because no one cared. To sum it up: I was an idiot.

Not only that, but a lot was going on in my personal life that I did not know how to handle.

I was writing about some personal stuff, which I also plan on doing in this blog, but at that time things were ever-changing and I was struggling. I did not know what was happening, what should I do and if honestly I could take it. I’ve talked about how I do have anxiety and suffer from mental illness and at that point in my life things were getting really hard and I was trying to pretend like they weren’t, specially in front of others.

Because of that I would get home and feel so tired, I was genuinely emotionally drained and I just could not bring myself to get up and write about anything, even if I tried to write about “lighter” things.

I just gave up both times.

What Changed Now

Simple. I’m just ready! I’m not going to lie to you, sometimes it is difficult. I still struggle with just wanting to lie in bed, forget about the world and do nothing sometimes.

However, now I’m willing to try to, even if I fail, I won’t just give up completely and pretend the blog does not exist. I’ll just start again for the next post.

I cannot promise you this blog will be perfect, there might be weeks I won’t be able to post and it will be hard for me. This time around I won’t just quit though. I won’t have a third failed blog!

xx

I Spent One Hour On Ome.TV

Happy Tuesday and welcome to my brand new series! I’ve decided to start my first ever series on this blog where I’ll spend a certain amount of time trying something new or experiencing a new app/website. Any post that will be a part of this series will have a tittle similar to “I Spent ____ (x amount of time) On ____”. I’m really excited about this and I hope you’ll enjoy reading this stories.

unnamedTo start the series I actually wanted to go to Omegle, even though I have used it before. That website was the entertainment of the 7th graders in my school. However, 5 minutes into using Omegle (only text conversation) someone pretty much just advertised the existence of Ome.TV as it being the “adult version” of Omegle. I found that incredibly hilarious since anyone that has ever used the original site knows there’s plenty of adult content in there. Still, I decided to use it because from my little revisit of Omegle I noticed that it’s full of bots and people advertising many different other type of websites or even their social media accounts.

A big difference with this version is that you cannot use a “text only” option to talk with other strangers. You are forced to video chat otherwise it does not allow you to initiate a chat. You turn on your camera, select your gender ( the only options available are female male and couple in case it’s two people using it at the same time ) and your preference of country – as in where do you want people you’ll talk to be from – although that does not quite work out. You can only choose one country or choose worldwide but when you only select one country people from other places pop up anyway.

downloadYou can type out instead of talking though, which is what I decided to do. I did not have the sound on and just wrote during the conversation because I felt more comfortable that way.

For a while I tried to cheat a little bit and didn’t have the camera pointed at my face but I quickly realized that would not work out. Most people just moved on and clicked to stop the conversation. So I decided to restart and this time around actually show my face.

I’ll be honest with you, I was nervous even if I’m not sure why. Either way I knew I needed to do it so I could at least take something out of this.

Oh I forgot to mention! I did this when I was bored at 4am! So I decided to use this site during one of my terrible insomnias…as you might imagine by now this was probably not the greatest time to give this a shot.

Anyways so I started over and this time my face was on full view. My worries about my visible double chin, how I dislike seeing myself with glasses and the fact that I looked like I haven’t slept in three days raced to see which one bothered me the most. I’d like to tell you that I’m a confident woman, but that would be lie. Obviously I was not excited to have guys masturbate on camera but having them click “next” in 0.2 seconds like I was the ugliest thing they have ever seen was not a pleasant thought either.

That did happen and I kinda wanted to stop everything right there because it seemed like I was only able to find 3 types of people: the ones that clicked away so fast you’d think they saw a monster, the ones that I was good-looking enough to see their dicks and 12-year-old boys trying to pretend they were at least 16. This site was clearly not helping my self-confidence.

I carried on though. I promised myself that I would stay for an hour, so I just kept thinking that even if I did not meet anyone remotely normal – *spoiler alert* I didn’t meet anyone normal – I could at least right one really disappointed blog post about it!

There were a few that actually were able to have a real conversation. For approximately two freaking sentences. First of all, 80% of the men that actually did try to talk to me were triple my age which EWWW. Also, all of the guys I did talk to were only really talking to me to lead it to the same place the ones masturbating on camera were. They just first said hello.

The two longest conversations I had were also, in retrospective, the most hilarious. Let’s name the guys – since I genuinely do not recall their names – John and Will. The two most basic male names to ever exist. Sorry Carl.

imagesFirst we had John. Oh dear John…what I mess. So this guy started of okay with the always used “hey, how are you?” and “where are you from?” which were a breath of fresh air considering right before I briefly had to look at a 80-year-old penis.

John was not gonna stop there though. Of course not. He thought that after that it was a great idea to ask me what type of underwear I was using. Now let me tell you something, I know initially I was not enjoying the idea of having to show my face but in that moment I realized there was something good about it. Every time I rolled my eyes or showed any signs of being done with what the guys on the site would say they could see it. They would know I think they are idiots. I did decide to respond with “none of your business” because I wanted to keep the conversations going as long as I could. I was on the mission of getting blog content okay! At that point you’d think the guy would either move on or just insist. He did neither. John thought that the right way to respond was by telling me which type of underwear he prefers his “ladies” to use and why. I really long explanation by the way. That was when I decided to move on myself.

A few people later I found Will. Now will was something else. We actually talked for about 5 minutes without major signs that he was a troll or a lunatic. I started to think there was hope in humanity. Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen.

This guy legit asked me nearly 10 times to see my “tummy”. Yap. But he didn’t go about it the way you’d expect. He said “gotta ask, are you chubby?” to which I replied “depends on what you define as chubby I guess. Why the dumb question?”. Will then told me “not dumb. I like it ahah” and that’s when he said he wanted to see my stomach. Again, I normally would’ve moved on by now but I decided to just try to change the subject. Somehow his responses would always end with “so……tummy?”

Moving on a bit and he was now – in a cryptic way – asking me to pretty much watch him do his thing while I did the same. I, of course, said I did not want that and told him to move on to someone else if he really wants that. He kept insisting and then told me that if I did not want to I could just watch and also started changing the place of the camera so at that point I could see his full body.

I’m going to be honest, this one left me disappointed because during the first few minutes we actually had a nice talk. When I told him, again, that I was not into doing any of that he said “well then you can click next yourself, I have all night” and then told me to stop writing so he could stop moving closer to respond. Will then just sat there looking at the camera for a few seconds while touching his chest. I actually had to laugh at how ridiculous all of this was.

I closed the site.

So what did I learn from the hour I spent on Ome.TV? I learned that it’s not great for people with low self-esteem and that it’s pretty much Omegle but with less bots.

Just like when I spent some time Online Dating I did not meet anyone that changed my life for the better. I did just stay up till 5am that night.

Hopefully you can at least laugh at how sad and dumb this experience was because that’s why I’m now writing about it. Also, have you have used Ome.TV or even the OG Omegle? If so, have you actually met someone there that you talked for a long time?

Let me know in the comments and give suggestions for future posts in this series!

Personal Goals For The End Of The Summer

I’ve briefly discussed this on my post about The Problem With Job Interviews so as you might already know I’m unemployed. Today I’ve been sending some resumes with the hopes to change that and this lead me to start reflecting on my summer this year.

I haven’t been doing many productive things to be completely honest. Me and my family were moving out for a bit but that doesn’t really excuse my laziness this year. I have not gone out with any friends all summer and I barely leave the house. A lot does have to do with some more personal events that have happened recently, but I’m sick of it by now. I’m just home all day, cooking and cleaning the house and taking care of the animals while everyone else is out either working or actually having fun.

I have now decided that I want to change the way my life has been going for some time now. That is what I want to tell you about in this post. Summer is almost done now – we have pretty much a month left – so here’s three things I want to get done or start the process of getting it done by the end of the summer.

Get A Job

I don’t know how believable this might sound to the general public but I really want to get a job. Yes, having my own money is definitely one of the reasons. In fact, it’s quite an important reason if I want to go to college anytime soon. But it isn’t the only reason. I’m really tired of not doing anything so getting out of the house, even if it’s for work, sounds like the greatest time for me right now. I’m sure I’ll change my mind by the time I actually start working with a set schedule but it’s still highly important for me to get a job before I turn 20 in September.

Getting a job will help me save money for college and my driver’s licence, buy things for myself without depending on my parents money and with the other two goals that I have.

Start My Weight Lost Journey

To be quite honest, my weight lost journey has started and stopped a couple of times by now. This time around though, I really am going to try to commit to it. I don’t really want to lose a lot of weight – maybe 15 kilos which is around 33 pounds I believe – and I also do not expect to lose all of it by September. I want to at least start a healthier diet and begin working out. I’ll begin by going on a little run in the morning and go from there. Getting a job it’s also somewhat important for this, because it would help me join a gym and start a diet that my family probably won’t follow with me.

My weight is something I’ve always struggled with. I win it really easily but it is quite hard for me to lose it. This created a lack of self-confidence for me for a long time, which has obviously affected some aspects of my life, like my difficulty in relationships (romantic or not). I want to become more confident in myself because that ultimately will make me happier.

When I do begin this journey, I’ll also start a series on this blog about it.

Take Care Of My Mental Health

This is a trickier topic and that could go on for a while. I’ll give you the shortened version though. There are people in my family with mental illnesses and besides my anxiety disorder, which I’ve discusses on the blog before, I have come to realize that I most likely suffer from something else. I do not want to clarify what because a big part of taking care of it is realizing what it is exactly that I have. That’s what I want to comprehend by the end of the summer. I do have my own idea of what it might be, considering family history, but I don’t want to say it is something now and then be wrong.

I’m definitely worried about this, as you might suspect. It is scary to know something is wrong with you. The goal is the get help and come to terms with it. I know it’s hard, some people I know were never able to do it, but I don’t want to follow the same path.

From all of these topics, this one is the one that I’m sure won’t be resolved by September. It won’t even be solved by the end of this decade. I do realize this is going to be something I’ll always struggle with, but I’m hoping and slowly but surely it will get better to live with.

My First Kiss Went A Little Like This

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To this day I have never met someone who was able to tell me their first kiss was actually good or romantic or even just remotely okay. If you were lucky enough to have a positive experience I admire you.

The story behind my first kiss is not only awkward but also actually sad. It really is something I wish I wouldn’t have done, but I was an idiot at the time.

Let’s start with a bit of a back story so when I tell you how it happened it makes at least some sense. I was in 7th grade at the time, which means I was 13 years old. At that point in my life I was still being bullied in school – something I want to make a post about someday when I feel more comfortable – but I had a little group of friends. This might seem irrelevant but the reason I am telling you this is because thanks to that bullying I was really shy and introverted in school. I don’t even know how I made those few friends that I did have. At that time in my life I was the type of kid that didn’t want to raise my hand during class even if I knew an answer or was not understanding something. I barely talked. All this facts are relevant to this story because by now you should be thinking: how the hell did this girl have her first kiss?

photo-1504196877113-b6ec66380c41It was not during a spin the bottle game or a dare. It was with my first “boyfriend”. In fact it was on the day he became my “boyfriend”. Now you should also know that – to me – any relationship you have before you are 15 or 16 usually doesn’t even count. They are silly. This one was no different and it’s definitely worth its own blog post in the future, because I have so many dumb stories from that time.

HOW HE BECAME MY BOYFRIEND

For starters this guy had previously dated a friend of mine. Exactly, at thirteen I broke the girl code but this gets better. At first he didn’t even ask me to be his girlfriend in person. He went to that one friend he had dated before and asked her to ask me to date him. RIDICULOUS. Even more ridiculous? She did. She came up to me and popped the question. I found it stupid to be passing the message through her that I wouldn’t accept unless he asked me in person. The ridiculousness does not stop there though. Remember when I said I barely spoke? Yeah me and my anxiety ran to class after that to run away from him because I was too nervous. The next recess I tried to hide the best that I could, until one of my friends told me to stop and get this over with – she was right.

So that last recess was over and we had to go to class but he found me and my friend when we were going to class. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. We stared at each other like a bunch of idiots. I hate this story.

THE KISS

tim-mossholder-678983-unsplash.jpg

My friend – the one who told me that I should stop hiding – was still with us during the anticlimactic question. She was probably annoyed with both of us, but mostly me. I just mumbled “okay” and was ready to go up the stars and go to class, since we were already late by now. That’s when my friend – bless her heart – said “That’s it? All of this mess and you’re just going to do this? Not even a kiss? You barely even looked at each other!”

Oh how she was right. This lead me to stop walking and look at him. There was no profound looking in each others eyes or holding hands. No sir. Our lips met for what I think was 1 millisecond and then we both went to class. We didn’t say anything. Just kissed and walked away.

That was the beginning of my first “relationship”. Needless to say…it didn’t last.